Tending my seeds

In the Bible Dictionary it says, "Faith is a principle of action and power.."

Alma taught that faith is like a seed.  Faith in Jesus Christ is the seed we plant.  As we put Christ in our hearts, we will expand and grow.

There is a stark contrast in Alma 45 where the people dwindled in unbelief.  My dad always says, "I am convinced that all you have to do to lose your testimony is nothing."  I don't think it is very hard to dwindle, my plants start dwindling pretty quickly when I neglect them.

In Alma 32 the word nourish is included 8 times!  That seed will not grow if we don't do something to take care of it!  As I exercise my faith in Jesus Christ by turning my heart to Him, my little seed of faith grows.

In 1 Nephi 8:11-12, Lehi described the fruit of the tree of life, "I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted...And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy.."
Alma 33:23 "I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree springing up in you unto everlasting life."

Jesus Christ is the Tree, He will grow in your heart!  I love Him so much.  It is worth every effort to keep exercising faith by taking action and nourishing the seed.

In Alma 33:23 it also says, "And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will."

I am a work in progress, but I am nourishing my seed of faith and He had made my burdens light.

It is TRUE!!

Gratitude Attitude

In the October 2012 general conference, President Monson said, "We live in a unique time in the world’s history. We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness."

"As I have reviewed the past 49 years, I have made some discoveries. One is that countless experiences I have had were not necessarily those one would consider extraordinary. In fact, at the time they transpired, they often seemed unremarkable and even ordinary. And yet, in retrospect, they enriched and blessed lives—not the least of which was my own. I would recommend this same exercise to you—namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received."  

I had a moment at the grocery store the other day.  I made a rash decision.  I took all of the kids with me except Carter (my helper).  I was just going to get a few things....yeah right!  Somehow Spencer ended up in the store without shoes on.  Ethan pooped in the midst of all the confusion (because he saves up for times just like this)!  I had food shoved in every nook and cranny of my cart, wherever there weren't children.  We made it to the checkout and the bagger asked if I would like some help out to my car.  Why is my answer to them always no?  I did a courageous thing and said, "YES!  I would love some help!"

What a blessing to have people to help us!  That grocery bagger made my day.  So here's a mini inventory on that experience.

I am grateful for-
the bagger at the store
my children for keeping things lively
pull ups
shoes
food
grocery stores
the ability to get what we need
that I usually don't take all of my kids to the store with me
having a vehicle to get me there
the health and energy to do the work I need to do
a sense of humor through it all

Happy Heart Day!

Today is Ethan's heart day.  He had his open heart surgery five years ago today.  I am feeling so blessed that we still have this little monkey with us.  I was reading my journal from that day and it honestly makes my stomach turn to remember all of those details again.

I am so grateful that we don't know what is coming too far in advance, I am sure I would fret and stew over things if I knew.  God must know that about me, because we were planning for him to have surgery in January.  A surprise cancellation and feeling of urgency from the doctor made it possible for Ethan's surgery to be November 16, 2009.  

Everything was going well, the NP's kept us updated regularly with updates like, "he is being cut open...he is on the heart and lung machine, he is off the machine and doing well.."  We felt so relieved that it was over!  Then the doctor came in and wanted to talk to us in the consultation room.  I knew instinctively that I didn't want to discuss anything with him in a consultation room.  He was yawning and I believe I even saw him scratch his back side while he delivered a message to us.  He said something along the lines of "the repair went well, but he had an allergic reaction after his chest was closed.  We think it was from the Protamine, but that is so rare, only 12 cases of that are documented per year in the country, it is almost always fatal...."  He went on, but I went numb right then.  All I wanted was to hold my little boy.  We couldn't see him yet.  They were still getting things under control.  We had to wait another hour, that was a looonnnggg hour.

Ethan looked terrible when we finally got to see him.  This is my description of him from my journal.  "Finally we got to see him in the PICU and he looked so bad.  He was intubated on 100% oxygen with nitric oxide at 20.  He had 7 drips going including dopamine, epinephrine, nipride, milrinone, and three more I can't remember.  He had an IJ line, an arterial line, a PIV in his foot, a chest tube, pacer wires sticking out on both sides of the chest tube, a catheter, restraints tying him to the bed and covered with hives from head to toe.  When he woke up he was so thirsty he kept signing milk, water, drink, juice.  When I had to tell him no (he was still intubated) he would try to cry but no sound would come out because of the tube and tears ran down his cheeks.  Broke my heart."

That was really hard.  How did we do that?  How did Ethan do that?  I know how.  

"And now my sons remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer who is Christ the Son of God that you must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind.  When all his hail and his mighty storms shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo.  Because of the rock upon which ye are built which is a sure foundation a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  Helaman 5:12

So grateful that is over.  It only took me five years to be able to talk about it.

Changing My Heart

Since I have been pondering Ethan's miracles lately, I thought I would share one way his challenges have helped to change my heart.

I had the opportunity several years ago to be a part of a stake Relief Society "experiment".  The RS president challenged me and a few other women in our stake to pray every day for a week that the Lord would open our hearts.  This challenge was made in the midst of a health crisis for Ethan.  He had severe pulmonary hypertension which required oxygen, close monitoring, expensive and toxic medications.  Every time we checked his heart and lungs things had deteriorated.  It was such a difficult time in my life.

I accepted the challenge and sincerely prayed that the Lord would open my heart.  When I started praying and paying attention to my heart, I was surprised to realize the emotions I had been harboring.  Without even realizing it, I had grown very negative and bitter.  I was very easily offended by the innocent comments of others.  My heart was full of bitterness because of Ethan’s latest diagnosis.  As I thought about how much I needed to change my heart, I was overcome with so much pain that I considered dropping out of the experiment.  I didn’t want to accept things the way they were.  I didn’t want this for him!  I felt so heart broken I knew there was only One who could help me.  I knew I needed to turn to my Savior.  

The next day I was reading Matthew 14  
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? 

I felt like Peter, I was afraid to go where Jesus was asking me to go.   I was looking at the wind and waves (and lab values, and pulmonary pressures) instead of looking at Jesus.  I knew I was not having the faith that I needed to be able to accomplish what He wanted me to do.  This changed my perspective about everything!  I felt the spirit whisper to me that Ethan would be on oxygen for a long time, but it would be okay.  I knew that I needed more faith in Jesus Christ and that God would help me to do His will.

It only took a few days before my spiritual high wore off and I noticed that I had bitterness in my heart again!!!  Didn’t I learn?  I realized that my heart will not stay where it is without working at it.  I read in the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell “The Lord does not give you a new heart only once.  He gives you a new heart every time you come to him repentantly, in faith, believing that you will receive.  We need the gift of a new heart every day.”  

This experience happened to me 8 years ago and it still touches my heart to think of it today.  

It is important to remember that Peter DID walk on water!  It is such a powerful lesson for me, to pay attention to the condition of my heart and keep my eyes focused on my Savior.

Down syndrome and miracles

I am blessed to be a mother of five children.  When I was 23 I was expecting our second baby, another boy.  We knew we wanted to name him Ethan.  All was well until I was 31 weeks and measuring small at the doctor's appointment.  He did a quick ultrasound and saw something unusual that looked like fluid in his belly.  It was a Friday afternoon.  He said, "I don't want to alarm you, but we have made an appointment with the perinatologist for first thing Monday morning."  I was alarmed!  We passed a very anxious weekend trying not to worry.

Monday morning came and I found myself lying on my back for the longest ultrasound in history.  The tech did the ultrasound, then the doctor came and did more looking around.  Finally, he said to us, "I'm 99% sure this baby has Down syndrome."  He went on to list all the reasons he was so certain about his diagnosis, including one thing I will never forget.  "His nose is small and he has no defined nasal bridge.  Looking at his parents, he should have a significant nose on him and he doesn't"  Did he really just tell me my nose is big and that my baby has Down syndrome in the same sentence?  Wow, that was tactful and compassionate.

I had horrible anxiety the week before the results of the amniocentesis.  I couldn't accept that my whole life was changing.  I prayed and cried and tried to understand it all.  I knew God could change every cell in his body.  I thought if I had enough faith that God would do that for us and we would always remember the experience of God's miracle in our life as we watched a healthy young boy grow up.  God had different plans for our family.

The official diagnosis came on Friday the 13th, which was five days later.  My mom is an angel.  She was there that day.  We had been waiting all day for the doctor to call.  When he finally called Blake and I were each on a phone and they gave us the news.  I was in shock.  I cried on my bed for a very long time.  When I finally got control of myself, I realized I had left my mom sitting in the other room by herself.  When I went to talk to her she was sitting on the couch with used up tissues all over the floor with eyes just as red and puffy as mine.  No words even needed to be said.

Somewhere in the midst of all the emotional turmoil that week I had a whispering from the Holy Ghost in my heart tell me, "This is why you are here."  And it brought me so much peace.  We did come to this earth to experience challenges and be refined.  I knew He was right.

The first obstacle was a bowel obstruction requiring surgery the day after he was born.  It was terrifying to let our tiny little baby go to surgery.  Yet there was an underlying sense of peace.  The Holy Ghost comforted us in beautiful and sacred ways while he had his surgery.  I will never forget sitting in the hospital room reading 3 Nephi 17 during that surgery.

 6  "And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you.

 7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

 8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

 9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

 10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.

 11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.

 12 So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him."

I am a witness that God does miracles in our lives.  Ethan was healed as we put our faith in Jesus Christ.