Gifts for the Savior

The wise men brought their gifts to the Savior, gold, frankincense and myrrh.  Frankincense and myrrh are both resins (thick sappy liquid) that come from trees in the Arabian peninsula.  The resins are harvested by lashing the trees so the healing resin will flow to the surface of the tree and dry into what is known as tears (the dried clumps of resin on the surface of the tree).  Isn't that significant?  Frankincense and myrrh hold symbolic meaning in their uses for healing and anointing.  Significantly, even the harvesting process points to the Savior and His Atonement.  It makes me think of the scripture in Isaiah 53:5 .."with his stripes we are healed."  

The wise men brought gifts for the Savior.  The shepherds brought the gift of their presence, just being there was enough.  President Monson has taught us what we can give the Savior, “When we find him, will we be prepared as were the wise men of old to provide gifts from our many treasures? They presented gold, frankincense, and myrrh. These are not the gifts Jesus asks of us. From the treasure of our hearts Jesus asks that we give of ourselves: ‘Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind’ (D&C 64:34).”  President Thomas S. Monson, “The Search for Jesus,” Ensign, Dec. 1990, 5.

The Power of Failure

What if I wasn't afraid to fail?  Would I be more willing to try something new, set a goal that seems unattainable, or reach out to someone new.  In other words, would I be more likely to become the person God is trying to mold me to be?

I am learning that the greater the chance of me failing completely, the greater the potential blessings.  For example, I was willing to be married, even though I knew we would have challenges and the chance we would fail.  I took the chance to have children, be true to the gospel of Jesus Christ, make covenants, homeschool my children, move to a new place, start a new business, change careers, etc.  With the chance of failure comes learning, growth, an increased reliance on the Lord, and the potential to succeed!  Lehi put it this way in 2 Ne 2:11, "For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things."

I am so grateful that Adam and Eve were willing to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, knowing that they would then be able to die.  They had such courage and faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement to be willing to fall, so that we could be here to learn from our failures.

Elder Richard G. Scott talked about this principle in his Oct 2014 conference talk.  He said, "We were taught in the premortal world that our purpose in coming here is to be tested, tried, and stretched."  (I love the way he said stretched, it sounded to me that he has some experience with that principle.)

Happy stretching!

Confessions of a recovering hair puller

*Disclaimer- To anyone struggling with serious addictions, I do not say anything here to be light-minded.  This has been a serious struggle for me, even though it may seem really lame comparatively speaking.



Trichotillomania- An impulse disorder characterized by the compulsive urge to pull out one's hair.

I have been a hair puller as long as I can remember.  I have also been trying to stop pulling my hair as long as I can remember.  In my many failed attempts at breaking this horrible habit/addiction in my life I have learned a lot about myself along the way.  I have learned that I pull my hair when I am insecure, stressed, overwhelmed, bored, breastfeeding, reading, taking tests, driving, when it is windy, when I have made poor eating choices, and when I feel down on myself.  In other words, I am always pulling out my hair!  

This issue has been a matter of prayer and fasting for me.  I have been able to stop for a few days or weeks, but never much longer than that.  Until now!!  I haven't pulled my hair for almost two months.  The Lord is teaching me how to stop with one word, insatiable.  

Elder Robert D. Hales said "In seeking to overcome debt and addictive behaviors, we should remember that addiction is the craving of the natural man, and it can never be satisfied. It is an insatiable appetite. When we are addicted, we seek those worldly possessions or physical pleasures that seem to entice us. But as children of God, our deepest hunger and what we should be seeking is what the Lord alone can provide—His love, His sense of worth, His security, His confidence, His hope in the future, and assurance of His love, which brings us eternal joy."

He has taught me that even if I succeed at completely destroying myself, I will still want to do more damage.  It is an insatiable appetite.  Whenever I think of pulling my hair again, I just say the word insatiable to myself.  Then I remember pulling it just once will never be enough.

The other thing that the Lord has taught me in this process is to take it one day at a time.  I just have to get through today.  Then I just get through another today, and so on.  And suddenly it has been almost two months of todays!  It is still a temptation every day, but I feel so great that it is starting to get easier.  

I can't ever let down my guard, but I am on the road to recovery and it feels great!!  I am even telling a bunch of people on the internet, that must say something about my willingness to be more accountable, right?!  

Tending my seeds

In the Bible Dictionary it says, "Faith is a principle of action and power.."

Alma taught that faith is like a seed.  Faith in Jesus Christ is the seed we plant.  As we put Christ in our hearts, we will expand and grow.

There is a stark contrast in Alma 45 where the people dwindled in unbelief.  My dad always says, "I am convinced that all you have to do to lose your testimony is nothing."  I don't think it is very hard to dwindle, my plants start dwindling pretty quickly when I neglect them.

In Alma 32 the word nourish is included 8 times!  That seed will not grow if we don't do something to take care of it!  As I exercise my faith in Jesus Christ by turning my heart to Him, my little seed of faith grows.

In 1 Nephi 8:11-12, Lehi described the fruit of the tree of life, "I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted...And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy.."
Alma 33:23 "I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith.  And behold, it will become a tree springing up in you unto everlasting life."

Jesus Christ is the Tree, He will grow in your heart!  I love Him so much.  It is worth every effort to keep exercising faith by taking action and nourishing the seed.

In Alma 33:23 it also says, "And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son.  And even all this can ye do if ye will."

I am a work in progress, but I am nourishing my seed of faith and He had made my burdens light.

It is TRUE!!

Gratitude Attitude

In the October 2012 general conference, President Monson said, "We live in a unique time in the world’s history. We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness."

"As I have reviewed the past 49 years, I have made some discoveries. One is that countless experiences I have had were not necessarily those one would consider extraordinary. In fact, at the time they transpired, they often seemed unremarkable and even ordinary. And yet, in retrospect, they enriched and blessed lives—not the least of which was my own. I would recommend this same exercise to you—namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received."  

I had a moment at the grocery store the other day.  I made a rash decision.  I took all of the kids with me except Carter (my helper).  I was just going to get a few things....yeah right!  Somehow Spencer ended up in the store without shoes on.  Ethan pooped in the midst of all the confusion (because he saves up for times just like this)!  I had food shoved in every nook and cranny of my cart, wherever there weren't children.  We made it to the checkout and the bagger asked if I would like some help out to my car.  Why is my answer to them always no?  I did a courageous thing and said, "YES!  I would love some help!"

What a blessing to have people to help us!  That grocery bagger made my day.  So here's a mini inventory on that experience.

I am grateful for-
the bagger at the store
my children for keeping things lively
pull ups
shoes
food
grocery stores
the ability to get what we need
that I usually don't take all of my kids to the store with me
having a vehicle to get me there
the health and energy to do the work I need to do
a sense of humor through it all

Happy Heart Day!

Today is Ethan's heart day.  He had his open heart surgery five years ago today.  I am feeling so blessed that we still have this little monkey with us.  I was reading my journal from that day and it honestly makes my stomach turn to remember all of those details again.

I am so grateful that we don't know what is coming too far in advance, I am sure I would fret and stew over things if I knew.  God must know that about me, because we were planning for him to have surgery in January.  A surprise cancellation and feeling of urgency from the doctor made it possible for Ethan's surgery to be November 16, 2009.  

Everything was going well, the NP's kept us updated regularly with updates like, "he is being cut open...he is on the heart and lung machine, he is off the machine and doing well.."  We felt so relieved that it was over!  Then the doctor came in and wanted to talk to us in the consultation room.  I knew instinctively that I didn't want to discuss anything with him in a consultation room.  He was yawning and I believe I even saw him scratch his back side while he delivered a message to us.  He said something along the lines of "the repair went well, but he had an allergic reaction after his chest was closed.  We think it was from the Protamine, but that is so rare, only 12 cases of that are documented per year in the country, it is almost always fatal...."  He went on, but I went numb right then.  All I wanted was to hold my little boy.  We couldn't see him yet.  They were still getting things under control.  We had to wait another hour, that was a looonnnggg hour.

Ethan looked terrible when we finally got to see him.  This is my description of him from my journal.  "Finally we got to see him in the PICU and he looked so bad.  He was intubated on 100% oxygen with nitric oxide at 20.  He had 7 drips going including dopamine, epinephrine, nipride, milrinone, and three more I can't remember.  He had an IJ line, an arterial line, a PIV in his foot, a chest tube, pacer wires sticking out on both sides of the chest tube, a catheter, restraints tying him to the bed and covered with hives from head to toe.  When he woke up he was so thirsty he kept signing milk, water, drink, juice.  When I had to tell him no (he was still intubated) he would try to cry but no sound would come out because of the tube and tears ran down his cheeks.  Broke my heart."

That was really hard.  How did we do that?  How did Ethan do that?  I know how.  

"And now my sons remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer who is Christ the Son of God that you must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind.  When all his hail and his mighty storms shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo.  Because of the rock upon which ye are built which is a sure foundation a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."  Helaman 5:12

So grateful that is over.  It only took me five years to be able to talk about it.

Changing My Heart

Since I have been pondering Ethan's miracles lately, I thought I would share one way his challenges have helped to change my heart.

I had the opportunity several years ago to be a part of a stake Relief Society "experiment".  The RS president challenged me and a few other women in our stake to pray every day for a week that the Lord would open our hearts.  This challenge was made in the midst of a health crisis for Ethan.  He had severe pulmonary hypertension which required oxygen, close monitoring, expensive and toxic medications.  Every time we checked his heart and lungs things had deteriorated.  It was such a difficult time in my life.

I accepted the challenge and sincerely prayed that the Lord would open my heart.  When I started praying and paying attention to my heart, I was surprised to realize the emotions I had been harboring.  Without even realizing it, I had grown very negative and bitter.  I was very easily offended by the innocent comments of others.  My heart was full of bitterness because of Ethan’s latest diagnosis.  As I thought about how much I needed to change my heart, I was overcome with so much pain that I considered dropping out of the experiment.  I didn’t want to accept things the way they were.  I didn’t want this for him!  I felt so heart broken I knew there was only One who could help me.  I knew I needed to turn to my Savior.  

The next day I was reading Matthew 14  
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? 

I felt like Peter, I was afraid to go where Jesus was asking me to go.   I was looking at the wind and waves (and lab values, and pulmonary pressures) instead of looking at Jesus.  I knew I was not having the faith that I needed to be able to accomplish what He wanted me to do.  This changed my perspective about everything!  I felt the spirit whisper to me that Ethan would be on oxygen for a long time, but it would be okay.  I knew that I needed more faith in Jesus Christ and that God would help me to do His will.

It only took a few days before my spiritual high wore off and I noticed that I had bitterness in my heart again!!!  Didn’t I learn?  I realized that my heart will not stay where it is without working at it.  I read in the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell “The Lord does not give you a new heart only once.  He gives you a new heart every time you come to him repentantly, in faith, believing that you will receive.  We need the gift of a new heart every day.”  

This experience happened to me 8 years ago and it still touches my heart to think of it today.  

It is important to remember that Peter DID walk on water!  It is such a powerful lesson for me, to pay attention to the condition of my heart and keep my eyes focused on my Savior.

Down syndrome and miracles

I am blessed to be a mother of five children.  When I was 23 I was expecting our second baby, another boy.  We knew we wanted to name him Ethan.  All was well until I was 31 weeks and measuring small at the doctor's appointment.  He did a quick ultrasound and saw something unusual that looked like fluid in his belly.  It was a Friday afternoon.  He said, "I don't want to alarm you, but we have made an appointment with the perinatologist for first thing Monday morning."  I was alarmed!  We passed a very anxious weekend trying not to worry.

Monday morning came and I found myself lying on my back for the longest ultrasound in history.  The tech did the ultrasound, then the doctor came and did more looking around.  Finally, he said to us, "I'm 99% sure this baby has Down syndrome."  He went on to list all the reasons he was so certain about his diagnosis, including one thing I will never forget.  "His nose is small and he has no defined nasal bridge.  Looking at his parents, he should have a significant nose on him and he doesn't"  Did he really just tell me my nose is big and that my baby has Down syndrome in the same sentence?  Wow, that was tactful and compassionate.

I had horrible anxiety the week before the results of the amniocentesis.  I couldn't accept that my whole life was changing.  I prayed and cried and tried to understand it all.  I knew God could change every cell in his body.  I thought if I had enough faith that God would do that for us and we would always remember the experience of God's miracle in our life as we watched a healthy young boy grow up.  God had different plans for our family.

The official diagnosis came on Friday the 13th, which was five days later.  My mom is an angel.  She was there that day.  We had been waiting all day for the doctor to call.  When he finally called Blake and I were each on a phone and they gave us the news.  I was in shock.  I cried on my bed for a very long time.  When I finally got control of myself, I realized I had left my mom sitting in the other room by herself.  When I went to talk to her she was sitting on the couch with used up tissues all over the floor with eyes just as red and puffy as mine.  No words even needed to be said.

Somewhere in the midst of all the emotional turmoil that week I had a whispering from the Holy Ghost in my heart tell me, "This is why you are here."  And it brought me so much peace.  We did come to this earth to experience challenges and be refined.  I knew He was right.

The first obstacle was a bowel obstruction requiring surgery the day after he was born.  It was terrifying to let our tiny little baby go to surgery.  Yet there was an underlying sense of peace.  The Holy Ghost comforted us in beautiful and sacred ways while he had his surgery.  I will never forget sitting in the hospital room reading 3 Nephi 17 during that surgery.

 6  "And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you.

 7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

 8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

 9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

 10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.

 11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.

 12 So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him."

I am a witness that God does miracles in our lives.  Ethan was healed as we put our faith in Jesus Christ.  

Treasures in Heaven

I was pondering the scripture in Matthew 6:19-21, "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:  But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I made a list of things I could think of that money cannot buy-

Relationship with Jesus Christ
Integrity
Faith
Character
Virtue
Relationships
Knowledge
Experience
Time
Talent
Work Ethic
Love
Forgiveness
Charity
Friendship
Peace
Covenants
Obedience
Testimony
Conversion
Worthiness
Companionship of Holy Ghost
Joy
Eternal Marriage
Family
Hope
Spiritual Gifts

I am certain there are many more, but looking at this list makes me feel like money is such a distraction from these "weightier matters"!

My bucket was empty

I love the way the Lord teaches me through the scriptures.  I was having a day/week/month that wasn't going well.  I was burned out and exhausted!  I hadn't had a full night of sleep in months and had been sick.  I was talking to Blake about this and was having a little pity party.  I even used the words, "My bucket is empty, I have nothing left to give!".

I had been studying 1 Kings 17 about Elijah and the Widow of Zarephath with the kids that week so we watched a video about it for family home evening.  The Spirit touched my heart while I watched and I learned something new.  This faithful woman was barely surviving the famine and was literally gathering sticks for the fire of the last meal she and her son would eat.  Her bucket really WAS empty.  Then she met the prophet and unlike the messages of the world we constantly hear, he asked her to give a little bit more of herself.  She acted in faith and prepared a "little cake" and took it to him first. Her faith preceded the miracle!

  

"And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah:  and she, and he, and her house, did eat many days.  And the barrel of meal wasted not, neither did the cruse of oil fail, according to the word of the Lord which he spake by Elijah." 1 Kings 17:15-16

My application was clear.  The Lord acknowledged that He understood my bucket was empty, but He also showed me that I can give all that I have as I put my faith in Jesus Christ and that there will be enough and to spare.  

A Divine Wind

This morning I turned on the Mormon Channel while I nursed the baby.  There was a conference talk playing by President Uchtdorf called Four Titles.  A phrase at the end caught my attention.  He said, "I pray that as you ponder the many titles of a worthy priesthood holder, you will discover a divine wind at your back, lifting you ever upward toward the great inheritance your Heavenly Father has reserved for you."

Tonight was our cub scout pack meeting and they were doing the rain gutter regatta.  The boys make little boats and race each other down a little pool by blowing the sails on their boats.  Ethan was so excited (he has such a gift of enthusiasm)!  He was trying his hardest but his boat wasn't moving very fast.  Then, one of the scout leaders went behind him and blew his boat with him.  I had a spiritual understanding that helped me see what President Uchtdorf was talking about!  It was a beautiful moment.

 

Small and Simple Things

I have always loved the verse in Alma 37:6 "...by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."  In 1 Nephi 16:29 it is stated like this, "And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things."

My understanding of that concept has always been that for every small effort I make to follow the Lord, great things can happen in my life.  I have experienced that in so many ways, many very subtle.   As Elder Bednar taught in Oct 2013 conference, we receive many "significant but subtle" blessings as we pay our tithing.  I take heart in this because I feel like my efforts at improvement are small, but they are enough.  The moments I take to show love to my children are small, but significant.  The time I spend in prayer seems small, but significant.

Last Sunday during one of the talks in Sacrament meeting, the speaker commented on all the subtle blessings the Lord has given him and his family.  When he said that, I had an "Aha!" moment.  I realized the small and simple things go both ways.  The Lord is doing small and simple things for me all the time and I feel so blessed!  He gives me peace.  He sends a prompting.  He sends a friend when I am in need.  These are small and simple things, yet are so significant to me.

He dwelt in a tent

I learned something new today, I was reading 1 Nephi 10 and in verse 16 it says, "And all these things, of which I have spoken, were done as my father dwelt in a tent...".

God will bless us with revelation and spiritual experiences no matter the location that we live or the type of house we have.  I wonder if the Lord was able to give Lehi more because he dwelt in a tent.  When I am humble I am more ready to receive.  

It is a lesson to me to learn to dance in the rain, don't wait for the ideal circumstances to live your life!  We have been remodeling our kitchen since July 24, 2012.  Yes, we just hit the two year mark and we are probably still another year from being done.  I don't have to wait to enjoy my life until after the kitchen is done!  Enjoy the journey!

The Journey of a Thousand Miles

I keep wanting to start a blog, but my fears have held me back for a long time.  Lately my mantra has been "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  How will I ever learn how to do a blog if I don't try?!  I learn by doing, and faith and fear cannot coexist, so ready or not...here I go!