Changing My Heart

Since I have been pondering Ethan's miracles lately, I thought I would share one way his challenges have helped to change my heart.

I had the opportunity several years ago to be a part of a stake Relief Society "experiment".  The RS president challenged me and a few other women in our stake to pray every day for a week that the Lord would open our hearts.  This challenge was made in the midst of a health crisis for Ethan.  He had severe pulmonary hypertension which required oxygen, close monitoring, expensive and toxic medications.  Every time we checked his heart and lungs things had deteriorated.  It was such a difficult time in my life.

I accepted the challenge and sincerely prayed that the Lord would open my heart.  When I started praying and paying attention to my heart, I was surprised to realize the emotions I had been harboring.  Without even realizing it, I had grown very negative and bitter.  I was very easily offended by the innocent comments of others.  My heart was full of bitterness because of Ethan’s latest diagnosis.  As I thought about how much I needed to change my heart, I was overcome with so much pain that I considered dropping out of the experiment.  I didn’t want to accept things the way they were.  I didn’t want this for him!  I felt so heart broken I knew there was only One who could help me.  I knew I needed to turn to my Savior.  

The next day I was reading Matthew 14  
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? 

I felt like Peter, I was afraid to go where Jesus was asking me to go.   I was looking at the wind and waves (and lab values, and pulmonary pressures) instead of looking at Jesus.  I knew I was not having the faith that I needed to be able to accomplish what He wanted me to do.  This changed my perspective about everything!  I felt the spirit whisper to me that Ethan would be on oxygen for a long time, but it would be okay.  I knew that I needed more faith in Jesus Christ and that God would help me to do His will.

It only took a few days before my spiritual high wore off and I noticed that I had bitterness in my heart again!!!  Didn’t I learn?  I realized that my heart will not stay where it is without working at it.  I read in the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell “The Lord does not give you a new heart only once.  He gives you a new heart every time you come to him repentantly, in faith, believing that you will receive.  We need the gift of a new heart every day.”  

This experience happened to me 8 years ago and it still touches my heart to think of it today.  

It is important to remember that Peter DID walk on water!  It is such a powerful lesson for me, to pay attention to the condition of my heart and keep my eyes focused on my Savior.